


Rey's Family Tree (A Star Wars Parody)

by SpaceTravels



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Even Lego Star Wars is mentioned, F/M, Force Bond, Force Ghosts, Luke is really mad at Yoda and you'll see why, Other, Parody, Spoilers, and others who think they are force ghosts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-20 14:47:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8252995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceTravels/pseuds/SpaceTravels
Summary: Rey is unable to focus on her training due to all of the intense speculation surrounding her origins.  Master Skywalker assigns her a meditation to begin unravelling this mystery, and an entire of evening of force visitations ensues.  The result is a night of utter mayhem, absurdity, and tongue-in-cheek humour via the never-ending procession of Jedi and Sith visitors.  Everything and anything about Star Wars is made fun of - affectionately, of course!  Be warned, as this does contain some spoilers and speculation, and some disturbing suggestions about one of our favourite droids.  This work is independent of my other ongoing fanfic called "Just Another Star Wars Story".  If you haven't read that one yet, please do give it a try.  It's also very spoiler-y and contains theories about Episode VIII.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It's a very short one, just to get the story set-up. The bulk of this story is almost done, so updates will follow fairly quickly. Stay tuned!

     In an obvious nod to Disney, Rey sits atop her AT-AT singing softly to herself,

     “ _When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are..._ ”

     Master Skywalker had assigned this latest meditation to her, knowing that Rey was struggling to understand her heritage.  As she hummed the gentle melody to herself, she thought about how this particular question was undermining both everything she was working on, and also, whatever she had already achieved.  Without this knowledge, it seemed that no one was able to recognise or accept just how powerful in the Force she might be.  In fact, they had started to call her Mary Sue.  During her humble life in the desert, she had become accustomed to “scavenger”, and “the girl”, but all of her instincts told her that this term - Mary Sue - was far more insulting.   

     “ _When you wish upon a star_ …,“  Rey sang over and over again, her lovely voice trailing off as she gazed into the celestial canopy above, watching the stars shimmer before her eyes.  For a moment she thought that one grew larger and that it glowed that much brighter - that maybe, just maybe - it held the promise of something as it pulsed towards her.  She shook her head to rid herself of that silly thought, and scolded herself for thinking such a thing.  It was probably just the First Order blowing up another planetary system without the disastrous consequences for the galaxy that the laws of physics dictated it should have.  Dismissing that line of inane observation, she returned dejectedly to thinking about how nothing really magical ever happened to her.   

     Of course, that was only really true if she didn’t count being beckoned to an enchanted chest containing a really cool blue light sword thingy that showed her a super trippy hallucination, or being frozen to the spot by a dark knight in the forest, and then having a mind tug-of-war with that very same knight after he pulled off his helmet to reveal his gloriously impossible hair.  Oh, and then there was that stormtrooper she had mind-controlled who evidently thought he had a real way with the ladies, even though he was just a womanizing, misogynistic throwback to the 60s who was incapable of having a truly meaningful relationship with anyone.  He had only gotten what he deserved.  She had left him shaken, but certainly not stirred.  

     “ _Focus Rey, focus,”  s_ he told herself.  What could it all mean?  She rubbed her eyes tiredly as she repeated the verses of the song again, the words becoming something of her own little Disney mantra.  _“…makes no difference who you are…”_


	2. The Question, It Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the silliness begins! Enjoy! 
> 
> Many thanks to those of you who left encouraging comments and kudos!

     Rey clambered back down into her AT-AT, sighing as she looked at the blackboard she had set up.  All she had to go on was a list of Jedi and Sith, droids, someone named Jar-Jar Binks, and a few rumours she had heard here and there concerning her origins.  And there was certainly no one named Mary Sue amongst that list.  With a big exhale, she noticed her eyes were drawn to the names Kylo Ren and Ben Solo over and over again.  Just beside she had written “ _brother-cousin?”_   Her brows furrowed together as she hastily erased the dash.  Now _that_ wouldn’t make any sense, would it?  How could he be her brother and cousin at once?  She stroked her chin thoughtfully, as she thought about the two names.  Unless…maybe Kylo Ren was her cousin and Ben Solo her brother?  _So complicated, and so inexplicable._

      _My bad_ , she thought to herself.  She carefully drew a forward slash between the two names, as she shook her head - rumours said that the dark-sider was maybe, and _somewhat unfortunately_ , her brother or her cousin.  The implications of that were simply mind boggling for the insanely bad parenting it implied for the main heroes of the original trilogy, but she wouldn’t dwell on that now.  Instead, she went back to humming her melody.

     “ _When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are…_ ”

      “Ahem, Ahem.  Unorthodox, his methods are,”  was the gravelly little voice behind her.  

     Rey turned to find a tiny green troll with pointy ears standing behind her.  He pointed at her blackboard with his bent little cane.  “You mean Master Luke?”

     “Master, perhaps to you, he is.  But my student, he once was.”  

     Rey’s eyes widened in amazement. There was only one person in the whole of the galaxy who spoke like that.  Really.  “Master Yoda?”

     The Master Jedi bowed his head humbly.  

     “But Master Luke has asked me to search this song for the meaning it could lend to my purpose.”  

     “Understand, I do.  Much speculation, surrounding your origins, there is.” 

     Rey made motions with her hands as she tried to reorder Yoda’s words for clarity in her own mind.  She nodded when she got it.  “But who should I believe, Master Yoda?  Reddit?”

     The green head shook vehemently.  “Not strong, with them, the Force is.”

     “Mike Zeroh?’”

     “Try, he does.  Many holo-vids, does he make.  But there is no try, there is only do or do not.”  Yoda’s disappointed expression made his view clear.  _Wow_ , thought Rey, the little Jedi was a tough critic.

     “Making Star Wars?”

     A slower shake of the head, following with some hemming and hawing.  She suggested a few others, and received a series of “Nah-ah…nope…again, try you…warmer…again, cold are you,”  before Yoda gave another disappointed shake of the head.  “In the wrong places, looking, are you, Padawan.”

     Rey gave a deep and frustrated sigh. “Pablo Hidalgo?”

     A lot of throat clearing followed before Master Yoda hawked up a huge wad of phlegm and spit it out to the side.  “Yeeees, yes.  Feel it.  Strong with the Force, he is.”  He closed his eyes as if meditating on the thought.

     “But he can’t tell anyone anything before the movie comes out,” she drew out in a plaintive tone.

     Yoda gave a small inclination of his head.  “Wise, you are.  Big lawsuit, he will get.  Non-disclosure, signed, has he.”

     “But what shall I do until then?”

     Yoda looked around conspiratorially, and leaned in a bit closer.  “A story I must tell.  Get it off my chest, I must.”  

     Rey leaned in also, her face betraying her eagerness.  Maybe he would tell her the secrets of the Force, and it would lead her to answers of her heritage.

     “Many years, in exile, I did live, in Dagobah.  Lonely, it was.”

     Rey nodded her head, urging the esteemed Jedi Master to go on.  

     “Arrived, with a friend, Luke eventually did.”

     Rey now drew back a bit as her eyebrow rose in question.  “But I thought Luke came only with R2-D2?”  

     Another throat clear.  “Right, are you.”  said the Jedi master, an unusual gleam coming into his eyes.  

     Rey’s face betrayed her confusion, but as Yoda’s eyebrows twitched suggestively, her mouth dropped open in shock.  She stared at the Jedi Master for a few long moments.  “You and Artoo?” she asked, her voice a mixture of surprise and horror at once.   If anyone were to get together, she had assumed it would be R2 and C-3PO, as they had always shared that intense love-hate sort of tension throughout the original trilogy.

     “Well-equipped, he is.  Many tools, has he,”  said Yoda as he shrugged almost defeatedly.  "Many temptations, too many temptations."

     Rey put her hands to her ears.  She wasn't sure this is what she needed to hear.   Thank the Maker that her little friend BB-8 was nowhere to be seen!  

     “Judge me by size, do you?  When hundreds of years in exile you spend on Dagobah, lonely you will not become?”  

     “What?”  she cried incredulously.  Rey was shaking her head in disbelief, her hand covering her mouth.  This had nothing to with his size, but of the idea that a master of the Force had taken advantage of an innocent droid!  Is this how Yoda had always ruled, by keeping his audience tied up in his disjointed, rambling dialogue?  Rey was momentarily distracted as another Force ghost came into focus.  

     “Master Yoda - it was _only_ about twenty years,” said a handsome and dignified older gentleman with white hair and a beard, who was wearing long brown Jedi robes.

     Yoda cleared his throat yet again, his ears pricking forward in apparent annoyance.  “When twenty years on Dagobah you spend, tell me it is not, like one hundred each year is?”

     “But that would mean you spent two thousand years on Dagobah” rebuked the gentleman.  Rey looked between the two Force ghosts, trying desperately to place the man in her mind.  He spoke just like her!   _Grandfather_?  Plus, he did look like he could be someone’s really kind grandfather.  

     Yoda shook his head disappointedly.  “A figure of speech, it was, Obi-Wan.  Losing the star systems for the planets, you always did.”  

     “What?!?!?”   Three voices chorused at once.  Rey now looked over to find that a younger version of Obi Wan Kenobi had joined them.  _That was some really good casting_ , she thought to herself. 

     Yoda rolled his eyes in a most un-Jedi like manner. “You know, like losing the forest for the trees?”  They all turned and looked at the Jedi Master in amazement.

     “Why, that’s the most grammatically direct thing you’ve ever said,”  said older Kenobi, his tone taking on a hopeful quality.

     “Surprised you, I did.”  said Yoda, giving a warbled little chuckle.  They all groaned.  

     “So, Master Yoda, it seems like some of us took our Jedi vows more seriously than others?”  accused the younger Kenobi as he stroked his beard thoughtfully.  Rey glanced over at him and her blackboard full of names.  _Wait, what could that mean?_  

     “Many more lifetimes than you, I have lived.  Know the Force, I do, like none other.”  Some mystical music, which Rey recognised as the Force theme, played in the background, as Yoda’s face took on a dreamy expression. “The Force - it surrounds us, it _binds_ us, it _penetrates_ us…,”  the green cheeks turned a bit pink as the music stopped abruptly.   “Best choice of words, perhaps not, at this moment, they are.”  

     “You’re telling me.”  said Luke Skywalker as he entered the AT-AT looking visibly shaken.  He glared at his former master, shaking his head.  “R2?” he asked, his face positively horrified.  “How could you violate my R2?  I always knew there was something weird about you.  I just couldn’t put my finger on it.”  

     Yoda gave another throat clear as he looked guiltily down at the floor…”Violate, not, I did.  Willing, was he.  Curious little droid, he is.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are inspiration!


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